"When the mind is in a state of uncertainty the smallest impulse directs it to either side." -Terence
I must apologize, Piece.
I know it's been a while. So much has happened in the past week. I attempted to write once, but I couldn't find enough things in my head to write anything worth reading. Now, I have so much in my head I don't know where to start.
I think, though, I need to write down my thoughts to make sense of them. So... Here goes. My week so far.
Sunday night was fairly normal. I work the hall desk in my dorm, and it's really slow on the weekends. I was sitting on Facebook, and Jared messaged me. He told me I should have gone swing dancing on Saturday. That he had gone with a girl who said she could swing dance but that she couldn't, and he had a lame night. Soon after, Jared got off Facebook and came to meet me at the desk. When I finished my shift, he followed me to my room and stayed to talk for about 45 minutes. It's been like that for about 2 weeks now. Jared has come downstairs for at least an hour every night with the exception of the swing dancing Saturday. It was getting to be a normal part of my day. Expected.
Monday, I finished class and headed to my room for the afternoon. I was stopped by my Community Advisor, Laura. (Her fiancée is Jared's best friend, so the group of them know each other well.) Laura questioned me (as she's gotten in the habit of doing) about how I felt about Jared. I told her I liked him as far as I knew him, but I didn't know him all that well. Then, Laura asked me if Jared had told me about his date Saturday. Laura proceeded to explain that Jared had gone swing dancing with a girl and had a miserable time. (This was reaffirmed by my roommate later, who told me Jared spent the evening talking to her and her family instead of with his date.) While she had my attention, Laura also told me Jared thought I was "a cool girl" and said she'd been trying to get him to tell me about his date. She told me to ask him about it. I declined. I didn't feel it was my business to ask about something like that.
That night, Jared showed up in my room around 9:30pm. We talked for about an hour and a half, adding and subtracting people to our conversation as the night went on and people popped in and out of my room. Laura stopped in several times, and on her last time out the door, she reminded Jared he had something to tell me. I pretended I heard nothing and brushed it off.
Around 11pm, my roommate left for another building to spend time with her boyfriend, and I told Jared I'd be going to bed soon, 8am class and all. He asked if I wanted to talk before I went to bed. I said that would be fine. He asked if he could shut the door. I agreed. Then, he told me Laura said I had something to tell him. I was caught off guard. I had nothing to say. Jared just sat across from me for a full (and I'm not exaggerating) two minutes staring at me, saying nothing. I eventually choked out that I'd talked to Laura and that she'd told me to ask about his Saturday night. I told him that it was none of my business to ask and that I'd told Laura I was uncomfortable doing so.
Jared told me he'd been talking to Laura, too. He said he'd been informed that I "really liked him", but he explained he wasn't looking for a relationship. I was horrified and excessively confused. Firstly, I had NOT said I really liked him. I said I liked him as far as I knew him, and I told Jared that. Then after a few uneasy jokes and attempts to change the subject, I told Jared I was going to give Laura grief about passing bad information the next time I saw her. He wondered if she was still awake, and we ended up heading to her room together.
Laura questioned us about our conversation - if it was worth it, if we felt better now that we knew where our relationship stood. I talked very little and left quickly. I was still shell-shocked, and I had to get up early for class the next morning. Needless to say, I didn't sleep well.
Tuesday, I woke up hurt and confused. I still had no idea what had happened the night before. I didn't want to think about it, but I couldn't get it out of my head. I skipped my morning classes, but I went to lunch with Andrew and Laura. Laura asked me what had really happened the night before. I filled the table in. Laura swore to me she'd never told Jared I had something to tell him, though she may have exaggerated how much I liked him. I believe her.
Later that day, I filled in one of my best friends, Davalyn. When I told her about Jared's statement about relationships, she stopped me. She asked me if not wanting a relationship meant he didn't want to date me specifically or if he didn't want to date anyone or if he was just too busy to date now but wouldn't mind asking me out later (since he is busy running for GSB Vice President). I told Davalyn I hadn't considered any of this, and now, I was more confused than before.
Tuesday night, Jared showed up in my room as usual. I half expected him to skip making an appearance, but we talked about inconsequential things for an hour before I went to bed. He acted as if nothing weird had happened the night before. I went along with it. I was still confused. I tried to talk to Laura after Jared left, but I couldn't form coherent questions. I had no idea what was going on or what I wanted to know.
Wednesday night, Jared did the same. He stayed for a half hour before I kicked him out so I could go to bed. He acted as if nothing had happened. I played along.
Today, I filled in my friend George, hoping for some male input that would make my situation make sense. He suggested that Jared has been coming downstairs because he suspected I was interested and (related to a conversation George and I had had earlier in the semester) liked knowing someone was paying attention. That explanation made perfect sense to me, even if I don't really like it.
So now, Piece, I'm stuck. I have no idea what I want to happen. I don't understand Jared's actions or the motives behind them. The only conclusion I can come to is that I should keep playing the game and see where it leads.
Hopefully, no one gets hurt.
Truthfully, Piece, I'm terrified about this. I have a fear of the unknown. Of losing control. Perhaps, I'll explain the reasons why soon, but until then, please hope for the best. I think I'm going to need all the luck I can get.
Here I go, Piece. Towards uncertainty. Towards the unknown.
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