A Lowly, Lonely Introvert

Lonely (adj) 1. affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone; lonesome 2. destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship 3. lone; solitary; without company


Hi, Piece. 


Tonight, I'm alone. My roommates, Alex, Cassidy, and Nicole are gone, busy with clubs, meetings, and/or boyfriends. My friend Andrew has already made his stop in my room for the evening. I am alone. I am alone, and I have free time to think. Usually a bad combination, but I'm going to try to use this time to sort through some things that have been stuck in my head for a while. Here's what I've come up with so far. 


I'm a mild introvert. I have no problem being in groups, but when I am, I don't talk much. Don't get me wrong. I don't mind being in large social situations. They can be great fun. It's just that I have a desire to be close to individuals. I would choose to spend a day with one of my best friends over spending an evening at a party nearly every time. I like getting to know the people I care about, and part of me really wants them to want to know me, too... if that makes sense. When I talk about myself, I share the information I want other people to know. The things I talk about are directly proportional to the sort of things I want to know about the person I'm talking to. And here's the thing. I don't want to know about people because I'm nosy or because I want to have material to gossip about later. I want to know because if I can better understand my friends - know what they've been through or how they feel about things - I can tell when they need someone to be there.


In high school, I was the go to friend when people were bummed out. Evidently, I got to be a pretty decent listener because whenever someone was stressed or down, they'd come to me. I'd like to think I got pretty decent at making people feel better, but maybe it was all in my head. Regardless, I was glad to help. Eventually, I got to the point that I could tell someone was down just by sitting around with them for two minutes. With that knowledge, I could show my friend they weren't alone in whatever way they needed it illustrated. And that's what I did. Every day of every week of every month of every year. After a while, it sort of became a drug. It turns out making other people happy makes me happy in a way that nothing else in the world can.  


Now, I'm in college. Things are different here. I've had to make a new set of friends (who really are amazing) and find a new place in our group. Something is missing though. I don't know most of my group well enough to know their history or pick out their moods, nor do I think I should know those things yet. But, I want to learn. I'm hoping to find people who I can get close to. I want that happy "I just made a difference" feeling again. More importantly though, I want someone who will be around to help me back.


The past few nights, I've felt lonely. Granted, maybe it's got more to do with hormones than my actual mood, but I don't like feeling isolated. Alone doesn't bother me. I enjoy time by myself, but lonely, that's a whole other ball game. It hurts to think that no one cares enough to wonder where I am or ask me about my day. No one has noticed my mood, or my open bedroom door, or me, sitting on my bed pretending to do homework. Maybe this is selfish of me, but sometimes, it's just nice to know that someone is paying attention. Tonight, I don't have that luxury. I am alone, and I am becoming lonely.


Is anyone looking for me, Piece? Is there someone somewhere thinking of me, hoping I'm happy? Is there something out there waiting for me that will make all of this loneliness worth it in the end?


Would you please come find me, Piece? I just don't want to be lonely anymore.