U is for Unsure, Uncertain, and Unknown

"When the mind is in a state of uncertainty the smallest impulse directs it to either side." -Terence


I must apologize, Piece. 


I know it's been a while. So much has happened in the past week. I attempted to write once, but I couldn't find enough things in my head to write anything worth reading. Now, I have so much in my head I don't know where to start. 


I think, though, I need to write down my thoughts to make sense of them. So... Here goes. My week so far.


Sunday night was fairly normal. I work the hall desk in my dorm, and it's really slow on the weekends. I was sitting on Facebook, and Jared messaged me. He told me I should have gone swing dancing on Saturday. That he had gone with a girl who said she could swing dance but that she couldn't, and he had a lame night. Soon after, Jared got off Facebook and came to meet me at the desk. When I finished my shift, he followed me to my room and stayed to talk for about 45 minutes. It's been like that for about 2 weeks now. Jared has come downstairs for at least an hour every night with the exception of the swing dancing Saturday. It was getting to be a normal part of my day. Expected.


Monday, I finished class and headed to my room for the afternoon. I was stopped by my Community Advisor, Laura. (Her fiancée is Jared's best friend, so the group of them know each other well.) Laura questioned me (as she's gotten in the habit of doing) about how I felt about Jared. I told her I liked him as far as I knew him, but I didn't know him all that well. Then, Laura asked me if Jared had told me about his date Saturday. Laura proceeded to explain that Jared had gone swing dancing with a girl and had a miserable time. (This was reaffirmed by my roommate later, who told me Jared spent the evening talking to her and her family instead of with his date.) While she had my attention, Laura also told me Jared thought I was "a cool girl" and said she'd been trying to get him to tell me about his date. She told me to ask him about it. I declined. I didn't feel it was my business to ask about something like that.


That night, Jared showed up in my room around 9:30pm. We talked for about an hour and a half, adding and subtracting people to our conversation as the night went on and people popped in and out of my room. Laura stopped in several times, and on her last time out the door, she reminded Jared he had something to tell me. I pretended I heard nothing and brushed it off.


Around 11pm, my roommate left for another building to spend time with her boyfriend, and I told Jared I'd be going to bed soon, 8am class and all. He asked if I wanted to talk before I went to bed. I said that would be fine. He asked if he could shut the door. I agreed. Then, he told me Laura said I had something to tell him. I was caught off guard. I had nothing to say. Jared just sat across from me for a full (and I'm not exaggerating) two minutes staring at me, saying nothing. I eventually choked out that I'd talked to Laura and that she'd told me to ask about his Saturday night. I told him that it was none of my business to ask and that I'd told Laura I was uncomfortable doing so. 


Jared told me he'd been talking to Laura, too. He said he'd been informed that I "really liked him", but he explained he wasn't looking for a relationship. I was horrified and excessively confused. Firstly, I had NOT said I really liked him. I said I liked him as far as I knew him, and I told Jared that. Then after a few uneasy jokes and attempts to change the subject, I told Jared I was going to give Laura grief about passing bad information the next time I saw her. He wondered if she was still awake, and we ended up heading to her room together.


Laura questioned us about our conversation - if it was worth it, if we felt better now that we knew where our relationship stood. I talked very little and left quickly. I was still shell-shocked, and I had to get up early for class the next morning. Needless to say, I didn't sleep well.


Tuesday, I woke up hurt and confused. I still had no idea what had happened the night before. I didn't want to think about it, but I couldn't get it out of my head. I skipped my morning classes, but I went to lunch with Andrew and Laura. Laura asked me what had really happened the night before. I filled the table in. Laura swore to me she'd never told Jared I had something to tell him, though she may have exaggerated how much I liked him. I believe her.


Later that day, I filled in one of my best friends, Davalyn. When I told her about Jared's statement about relationships, she stopped me. She asked me if not wanting a relationship meant he didn't want to date me specifically or if he didn't want to date anyone or if he was just too busy to date now but wouldn't mind asking me out later (since he is busy running for GSB Vice President). I told Davalyn I hadn't considered any of this, and now, I was more confused than before. 


Tuesday night, Jared showed up in my room as usual. I half expected him to skip making an appearance, but we talked about inconsequential things for an hour before I went to bed. He acted as if nothing weird had happened the night before. I went along with it. I was still confused. I tried to talk to Laura after Jared left, but I couldn't form coherent questions. I had no idea what was going on or what I wanted to know.


Wednesday night, Jared did the same. He stayed for a half hour before I kicked him out so I could go to bed. He acted as if nothing had happened. I played along.


Today, I filled in my friend George, hoping for some male input that would make my situation make sense. He suggested that Jared has been coming downstairs because he suspected I was interested and (related to a conversation George and I had had earlier in the semester) liked knowing someone was paying attention. That explanation made perfect sense to me, even if I don't really like it. 


So now, Piece, I'm stuck. I have no idea what I want to happen. I don't understand Jared's actions or the motives behind them. The only conclusion I can come to is that I should keep playing the game and see where it leads. 


Hopefully, no one gets hurt. 


Truthfully, Piece, I'm terrified about this. I have a fear of the unknown. Of losing control. Perhaps, I'll explain the reasons why soon, but until then, please hope for the best. I think I'm going to need all the luck I can get.


Here I go, Piece. Towards uncertainty. Towards the unknown.

And The World Spins Madly On

"If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make a change."


Hi, Piece. 


I had fully intended to write a post yesterday, it being Valentine's Day and all, but I changed my mind. I don't want this blog to become an outlet for me to whine. There's no reason to give you the impression that I don't have a wonderful life. I do. I have an amazing family, fantastic friends, an education. A future. There's still time for me to figure out what I want and go get it. So tonight, Piece, I'm laying it all out. Right now, at this exact point in my life, this is what I want to do before the world goes spinning on without me.


First off, I want to graduate college. It may not sound too terribly fancy to anyone, but it's a big deal to me. My mom, who I love dearly, just got her Associate's degree this past December. She dropped out of college when she realized she had no idea what she wanted to do with her life. When I asked her about it, she told me that she never saw a point in wasting money pursuing an elusive major. She didn't know what she wanted to do then, but she figured it out. You should have seen my family when she became an official college graduate though. My mom was practically glowing, she was so happy. It was beautiful. 


I also want to travel. Everywhere. I want to learn languages and live oversees in the center of a phenomenal city. I want to be able to go to a foreign country and communicate with people so well that they can't tell I'm a stupid American. I want to learn about the culture and politics of other countries. I want to find similarities and differences between the people I know and the people I meet. I want to see the world.


I want to work as a political analyst. I want to live in another country and study their politics and report back to my employer in the US. I wouldn't mind being an journalist nor would I mind working for a government organization. I think I would love a job like that though.


I want to get my SCUBA diving license. I've gone twice in a swimming pool, but I think it would be amazing to dive at the Great Barrier Reef. Someday, I will.


I want to get my pilot's license. Ever since my first plane ride three years ago, I've been in love with flying. Call me crazy considering my fear of heights, but I felt so free, being so removed from everything. It's an amazing feeling. Almost like you're being liberated. Like you're being given permission to let everything go.


Eventually, if I can find the right guy, I want to get married. I'm not looking to do it anytime soon, but someday. Here's the thing though. I don't want to get married and "settle down". When I find my guy, he's travelling with me. Only after that, when we've run out of things to see, people to meet, and places to visit, will I start thinking about creating a family. I think I want kids, but I'm not certain. I have names picked out, but I'm not sure if I want to have kids myself. I suppose I'll decide if that time ever rolls around. 


I'd like to get a dog. I don't know why. Man's best friend, I guess. Someday though. It'll be a smart dog, too. Just you wait. Smart and adorable.


Lastly, I want to find happiness. I want to be so at peace with myself that I can't help but be happy. I'd like to love my job and love the city I'm in, love God and love my family. I want to love so much that I'm bursting with joy, and everyone I talk to knows it. I intend to be so happy that I can't help but shower the world with random acts of kindness so other people can share in my happiness. I'm going to be the crazy old lady who brings a foreign exchange student breakfast in bed, and uses new technology to chat with my old people friends, and buys flowers and leaves them on a random doorstep so the person who lives there knows they're loved by someone. 


There you are, Piece. This is what I want. This is what I hope to do with my life. And where do you come in, Piece? Are you waiting for me somewhere in those dreams? Will you point me in the right direction? Set me on course when I get lost? 


I not sure what the future holds, Piece, but wherever you are, I look forward to finding you. And fingers crossed, when I finally stumble onto you, I'll be ready for whatever you throw at me.


Goodnight, Piece. Thanks for everything.

To Be Loved

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."


Piece, I don't know how you did it, but you did. 


Alex came back to the room and bummed around before she left for her boyfriend's building. Nicole and Cassidy took some time from homework and entertained me with ridiculous YouTube videos. Andrew stopped by and played a game. And just now, I received a text message forward from a high school friend, Shelby, telling me that I'm beautiful and loved. It was exactly what I needed.


Thank you, Piece. Wherever you are, thank you. 

A Lowly, Lonely Introvert

Lonely (adj) 1. affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone; lonesome 2. destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship 3. lone; solitary; without company


Hi, Piece. 


Tonight, I'm alone. My roommates, Alex, Cassidy, and Nicole are gone, busy with clubs, meetings, and/or boyfriends. My friend Andrew has already made his stop in my room for the evening. I am alone. I am alone, and I have free time to think. Usually a bad combination, but I'm going to try to use this time to sort through some things that have been stuck in my head for a while. Here's what I've come up with so far. 


I'm a mild introvert. I have no problem being in groups, but when I am, I don't talk much. Don't get me wrong. I don't mind being in large social situations. They can be great fun. It's just that I have a desire to be close to individuals. I would choose to spend a day with one of my best friends over spending an evening at a party nearly every time. I like getting to know the people I care about, and part of me really wants them to want to know me, too... if that makes sense. When I talk about myself, I share the information I want other people to know. The things I talk about are directly proportional to the sort of things I want to know about the person I'm talking to. And here's the thing. I don't want to know about people because I'm nosy or because I want to have material to gossip about later. I want to know because if I can better understand my friends - know what they've been through or how they feel about things - I can tell when they need someone to be there.


In high school, I was the go to friend when people were bummed out. Evidently, I got to be a pretty decent listener because whenever someone was stressed or down, they'd come to me. I'd like to think I got pretty decent at making people feel better, but maybe it was all in my head. Regardless, I was glad to help. Eventually, I got to the point that I could tell someone was down just by sitting around with them for two minutes. With that knowledge, I could show my friend they weren't alone in whatever way they needed it illustrated. And that's what I did. Every day of every week of every month of every year. After a while, it sort of became a drug. It turns out making other people happy makes me happy in a way that nothing else in the world can.  


Now, I'm in college. Things are different here. I've had to make a new set of friends (who really are amazing) and find a new place in our group. Something is missing though. I don't know most of my group well enough to know their history or pick out their moods, nor do I think I should know those things yet. But, I want to learn. I'm hoping to find people who I can get close to. I want that happy "I just made a difference" feeling again. More importantly though, I want someone who will be around to help me back.


The past few nights, I've felt lonely. Granted, maybe it's got more to do with hormones than my actual mood, but I don't like feeling isolated. Alone doesn't bother me. I enjoy time by myself, but lonely, that's a whole other ball game. It hurts to think that no one cares enough to wonder where I am or ask me about my day. No one has noticed my mood, or my open bedroom door, or me, sitting on my bed pretending to do homework. Maybe this is selfish of me, but sometimes, it's just nice to know that someone is paying attention. Tonight, I don't have that luxury. I am alone, and I am becoming lonely.


Is anyone looking for me, Piece? Is there someone somewhere thinking of me, hoping I'm happy? Is there something out there waiting for me that will make all of this loneliness worth it in the end?


Would you please come find me, Piece? I just don't want to be lonely anymore.

The Male Species and Me

"Boys are like busses, you wait for one for ages, then suddenly 3 come at the same time."


Hello, Piece.


I just wanted to put on the record that being a girl can really suck. I, a recently 20 year old college student, have been boyfriend-less for the entirety of my life. Don't get me wrong. Part of it's my fault. I've been rejected by my fair share of guys, but I've rejected some potential males, too. Maybe that trumps my right to complain, but I'm going to do it anyway. Twenty years. TWENTY YEARS, I've been waiting for the right boy to come along and want me. Now all at once, I'm walking around with a flock of boys swarming around my heart, waiting for me to let my guard down so they can pounce. For the sake of my sanity, I must sort this out.


So, Piece, here goes. This is the story of my collegiate dating history.


Chris was the first guy at school that showed potential. I got a free tutor from one of my scholarships, so I decided to use it on Calculus. I met a boy with the same tutor, Chris. Chris was in Navy ROTC and had a smile that made my heart melt. He grew up in Virginia but had moved to Hawaii because of his dad's job as US Naval Commander. We talked and texted for roughly two (solid) weeks and bummed around my dorm with my friends for a night. Then, Chris's dad came for a week-long visit, and I stopped hearing from him. That would have been the end of it, but the day I got back to school after Christmas break, Chris saw me in the dining center. We started talking again, and he told me he wanted to spend a weekend with me. (And don't take that the wrong way.) I told him I might be going home for my brother and dad's birthdays, which I did end up doing. (Family first, right?) I promised him we'd reschedule, but then he fell off the map again. I beat myself up for a few weeks, thinking he was such a player (which honestly isn't that far off) and that I was an idiot for liking him. However, a month later, I made an interesting connection. My friend Eric had met Chris through a roommate but hadn't realized I knew him. When the two of us saw Chris in the dining center, Eric told me the last time he'd seen Chris, the kid had been walking down the street half-drunk, pissed and bummed, because the girl he liked went home for the weekend... Turns out, that girl was me. Snap...!


Guy number two was named Alex. He was a junior in industrial engineering and had a cute, nerdy appeal to him. We met during one of our college's annual radio competitions, and he asked me to late night coffee. (My first ever legitimate date.) We sat and talked for a couple hours, and I had a nice time. He must've had a decent time, too, because he asked me out to breakfast a week later. Honestly, by this point, in the spring of my freshman year of college, I was sick of being single. I wanted things to work out, so I texted Alex. Now, either this kid has limited texting ability or he wasn't that interested in staying in touch. After the school year was up, he disappeared. Got rid of Facebook; didn't answer the two texts I had the lady balls to send. I was done. Ironically enough though, I did talk to a mutual friend a week ago. I was informed that Alex was actually a really odd guy and that I shouldn't spread it around my friend group that we'd dated. Awkward...


This summer, I was in Sweden, visiting my foreign exchange student friend Sofia. She's practically my adopted sister, and I tell her just about everything. Her being European, she always thought it was strange that I'd never been kissed by a guy, let alone had sex with one. So... she set me up. While out one night, Sofia's friend Martin drank and chatted up our group until the wee hours of the morning. As he went to leave, he declared that he was giving goodbye kisses. He pushed through the crowd, kissing all the girls on the cheek, until he got to me. He stood in front of me and told me he was not leaving until we kissed on the lips. That was that. 


...


I may not understand how men work, what their operating procedures are around ladies, or what signs of theirs mean I'm wasting my time. I'm learning though. Little by little, I'm working on figuring out the male species. The guys in my life are making being alive a pleasure. Perhaps if I keep them around, I won't have to be alone anymore. Maybe, I'll find a someone to call my own.


Maybe, Piece, I'll find someone that leads me that much closer to you. 

So I'm Looking For My Missing Piece...

When I was in second grade, my friend gave me a notebook that I started to use as a journal. I thought I was hot stuff, writing about my teachers and classmates and the boys I liked. I wrote in that book nearly every night, and I filled it up pretty fast. When I ran out of pages, my mom presented me with my first ever diary. It had a lock and everything, but being as young and foolish as I was, I took it to school and got it stolen while writing in it on the playground. One of my blockhead male classmates thought it would be hilarious to read it and present it to my crush of the day. Needless to say, I was completely mortified, and I stole my stupid diary back as fast as I could (which is saying a lot because I was a slow runner). 


I had to learn the hard way that diaries are no longer sacred. Notebook journals don't belong in the internet age. Nothing is private, and that's the way it's got to stay (assuming I don't want to go undercover or become a hermit). I've got to have Facebook; I've got to check my e-mail; I've got to take pictures of my college friends and show them to my mom to prove I have a life.


But I still want to write, to share my story with the world that's out there waiting for me. What I share may not be particularly interesting or funny nor can I guarantee it will be worth your time to read it. 


This I can say though. I'm looking for something, and maybe, just maybe, if I can put my thoughts in order and get them out there, I'll figure out what the hell I'm looking for. It's like Shel Silverstein says in his book... "I'm looking for my missing piece..." 


Well, Piece. Here I go. I'm starting tonight. Whenever, I'm feeling lost or lonely or confused or scared or joyous or loved, I will write for you. I'm going to figure out what my story is missing. Whatever you are, whoever you are, I'm looking for you, Piece. Now, all I can do is hope you're looking for me, too.