What Drowning Feels Like

"The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them." -Ernest Hemingway


Oh, my dear Piece. I cannot tell you how glad I am that at least YOU are awake at 10am on a Sunday. I'm having a rough morning after a wonderful night last night. I need someone to talk to. I hope you don't mind. But you don't, do you? You never do. Waiting patiently for me to need you. You are much too good to me. 


But as I said, I'm so glad you're here, Piece. Here's the deal.


I went on a third date with my friend last night. I had a wonderful time. I always have a wonderful time with him, and I'm so glad he likes me. At least, I tell myself he does since he wants to see more of me. He's been very good to me. 


Last night, he held my hand. He told me things I didn't know about him. He told me that the anonymous flower I got for Valentine's Day last year was from him. 


And what did I do, you may ask. I let him hold my hand. I told him stories about me that he'd already heard. And as much as I wanted to tell him how much I like him, I just thanked him for the flower and the wonderful night. 


I am a coward. An absolute coward.


I should have told him how I felt. I should have let him see a bit of myself, instead of continuing to be that silly girl I am when I get scared. I should have given him a kiss goodnight. Something. Anything. And I did nothing.


Piece, I'm so frustrated with myself. I have a good thing here, and I'm wasting it. He has been more than patient with me. He's waited a whole year for me to like him for God's sake! 


Am I so afraid to trust someone else that this is the best I can do? 


But, Piece, we both know the answer to that. Yes. Unfortunately, it is. Perhaps it's because I'm out of my comfort zone. Maybe I'm just slow at all of this because I've never done this before. But we both know that's a lie. I can't trust anyone. 


I'm sure some of it has to do with my past. After so many people have trampled on me, I think this must be my fight or flight mechanism kicking in. And you know how much I hate to fight, Piece. I've been on my own for so long. I've had to take care of myself physically, mentally, emotionally. I haven't really let anyone in. I haven't been able to let myself put much trust in any one person because I'm too busy bracing myself for the inevitable day when they hurt me, and I'm alone again.


Because I'm not as strong as everyone thinks I am. I can't deal with another full blown heartache like the ones I've had before. If I have to carry anything else, if one more terrible thing happens to me, I'm afraid I will break. 


Dearest Piece, I like this boy. I like him a lot. I can't do this to him. It's not fair to him. I don't want to let him go. I won't if I have the option. And right now, I do have that option. I can step it up and show him I'm all for going forward with this. I just need to find the strength to do it.


It's not like people start a relationship based on the premise that eventually they'll break up. It's that time in between that matters. And yes, someone may get hurt in the end. That's life. After all this progress I've made in the past few years, I don't want to stop living now. I have so much left to do. 


What do I do, my Missing Piece? Where do I go from here? Where should I start? Why can't I do this?


What is missing? 


Where are you when I need you?

Actions and Words

"We become just by performing just action, temperate by performing temperate action, brave by performing brave action." -Aristotle


"Words are also actions, and actions are a kind of words." -Ralph Waldo Emerson


Hello, my Missing Piece.


I trust you haven't forgotten me, though it may seem like I've forgotten you. I promise I haven't. I have no suitable excuse for being absent for so long. I could say my mind hasn't been too crazy, but we both know that my mind is never calm. I could say I've been too busy, but you can tell by my browser history that I've had time on my hands. The best I can tell you, dear Piece, is that I've wanted what I write to mean something. To be worth reading. And until today, I can't say I've had a real worthy thing to say for months. 


But that is neither here nor there. Now is today, and I have something to share.


Earlier today, my friend sent me a news article that analyzed the career of a particular politician. The article described at length the man's accomplishments and the main critiques dished out by his opponents, but what really stood out to me was the way the author spoke of the man's leadership. He said this man accomplished his goals quietly. This man did not boast excessively of the accomplishments he attained in the name of his constituency. He did not force others to follow his lead. He convinced them that the choice they were making was the right one, and let the rest of the world judge him at that. 

Now I must say, dear Piece, this politician does defend his actions when the time is appropriate, but he has no need to explain every move he makes. The things he does speak for themselves. 


Piece, this article has struck something in me. I've been doing some thinking tonight. I see myself as someone who cares so deeply about others that I'd rather throw myself under a bus than see someone I care about get hurt. 


But why should I have to tell anyone this, Piece?


And that, is where I found my answer. I shouldn't. I shouldn't have to say a word. The actions I take on a daily basis should make it perfectly clear to anyone I come in contact with that I would do as I say I would. Without speaking, I should be able to communicate that I would do whatever it takes to help a friend. 


This is what I'm going to do, Piece. Starting now, I'm living by the phrase "actions speak louder than words." Let people judge me how they will, but I want to show them what I'm capable of. 


My dear Piece, I am an independent, self-reliant, intelligent, vulnerable, humorous, caring sort of female, and I'm about to prove it. Ready or not, it's time to be me. 


I can only hope through this journey that lies ahead, that I'll find you along the way. Goodnight, dear Piece. Thank you for waiting for me. Thank you for everything.