What Drowning Feels Like

"The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them." -Ernest Hemingway


Oh, my dear Piece. I cannot tell you how glad I am that at least YOU are awake at 10am on a Sunday. I'm having a rough morning after a wonderful night last night. I need someone to talk to. I hope you don't mind. But you don't, do you? You never do. Waiting patiently for me to need you. You are much too good to me. 


But as I said, I'm so glad you're here, Piece. Here's the deal.


I went on a third date with my friend last night. I had a wonderful time. I always have a wonderful time with him, and I'm so glad he likes me. At least, I tell myself he does since he wants to see more of me. He's been very good to me. 


Last night, he held my hand. He told me things I didn't know about him. He told me that the anonymous flower I got for Valentine's Day last year was from him. 


And what did I do, you may ask. I let him hold my hand. I told him stories about me that he'd already heard. And as much as I wanted to tell him how much I like him, I just thanked him for the flower and the wonderful night. 


I am a coward. An absolute coward.


I should have told him how I felt. I should have let him see a bit of myself, instead of continuing to be that silly girl I am when I get scared. I should have given him a kiss goodnight. Something. Anything. And I did nothing.


Piece, I'm so frustrated with myself. I have a good thing here, and I'm wasting it. He has been more than patient with me. He's waited a whole year for me to like him for God's sake! 


Am I so afraid to trust someone else that this is the best I can do? 


But, Piece, we both know the answer to that. Yes. Unfortunately, it is. Perhaps it's because I'm out of my comfort zone. Maybe I'm just slow at all of this because I've never done this before. But we both know that's a lie. I can't trust anyone. 


I'm sure some of it has to do with my past. After so many people have trampled on me, I think this must be my fight or flight mechanism kicking in. And you know how much I hate to fight, Piece. I've been on my own for so long. I've had to take care of myself physically, mentally, emotionally. I haven't really let anyone in. I haven't been able to let myself put much trust in any one person because I'm too busy bracing myself for the inevitable day when they hurt me, and I'm alone again.


Because I'm not as strong as everyone thinks I am. I can't deal with another full blown heartache like the ones I've had before. If I have to carry anything else, if one more terrible thing happens to me, I'm afraid I will break. 


Dearest Piece, I like this boy. I like him a lot. I can't do this to him. It's not fair to him. I don't want to let him go. I won't if I have the option. And right now, I do have that option. I can step it up and show him I'm all for going forward with this. I just need to find the strength to do it.


It's not like people start a relationship based on the premise that eventually they'll break up. It's that time in between that matters. And yes, someone may get hurt in the end. That's life. After all this progress I've made in the past few years, I don't want to stop living now. I have so much left to do. 


What do I do, my Missing Piece? Where do I go from here? Where should I start? Why can't I do this?


What is missing? 


Where are you when I need you?