"Fear of the unknown translates to fear of losing control. In order to feel safe, we feel we must control every variable - human, environmental, technical. And yet, as life, this just isn't realistic. Controlling everything that's around the corner simply isn't possible." -Ivy Naistadt
Hello, Piece.
Lovely day we're having today, eh?
It's been an interesting couple weeks on my end. It all started in early May. Jared was down in my room a bit. I was trying to study for finals. I needed to start packing. Everyone was leaving for the summer. I left for the summer. My cousin got married. My family visited my grandmas' graves. I met up with some old friends. I skyped with some newer ones. I'm trying desperately to find a summer job.
And now? Now, I'm sitting here trying to take in all the stupid things I've done lately. You see, Piece, I have no idea what I've gotten myself in to, and I'm stressing myself out over it. For the first time in a while, I've involved myself in things I can't control, and it makes me uncomfortable.
Well, Piece. A while back I told you I'd explain my fear of losing control. I suppose now is as good a time as ever to do so. Therefore, without further ado...
As promised.
WHY I WILL NEVER LET MYSELF LOSE CONTROL
I have secrets. Secrets I'm not even comfortable sharing here, Piece. I've got skeletons in my closet that I dare not dig out and show to the public. It was these skeletons that (as far as I know) started it all.
In high school, I didn't drink. When I learned about these skeletons, I knew I couldn't start, not in the presence of my classmates. Until I knew how I'd react to alcohol, I couldn't run the risk of them finding out my secret. I couldn't let myself get drunk and forget that I was so desperately trying to keep something hidden.
From there, it's snowballed. I became more introverted. If I couldn't trust anyone to know my big secret, maybe it was wrong to tell them any secrets. What would happen if they changed their mind about me? If they didn't like me anymore, who would they tell? I couldn't let someone have that kind of control over me.
Then, I got paranoid. Every instance, no matter how small, that could be construed as someone disliking me found a way to get interpreted as such. Now, I start to freak out over not talking to someone for three days. I really flip when I'm ignored for a whole week. If a friend doesn't invite me to dinner or out to a movie, I take it very personally. I have such a low opinion of myself that anything that seems to reinforce this feeling is magnified. And unfortunately, I can't help it. I can't turn it off.
My mind is playing tricks on me. I know my friends like me. Or at least, I think some of them do. Still, I go to such great lengths in an attempt to please. I hate getting on people's nerves. I hate being uninteresting. I hate when I can't entertain. I hate repeating myself. I hate being ignored. I hate being left out. I hate making a scene. I hate arguing over religion and politics when something real is on the line.
I'm trying to reverse the damage. I really am. I don't know if its working though. I can't state my opinion on controversial topics because I can't control people's reactions. I chicken out when I try to tell the guy I like how I feel about him because I can't guarantee he likes me back. I avoid forcing myself into social events I wasn't included in, even if I'm invited later, because I don't want to be a burden. But truthfully, it hurts me more than anything when I discover that I'm an afterthought.
I guess, in some respects, my paranoia is a defense mechanism. I've been hurt before. But everyone has. Evidently, it's just harder for me to let go of all that. Harder for me to move on.
I need to though, Piece. It's imperative that I find a way to beat this. One of these days, someone's going to come along and want to be my friend, and I'm going to miss what's right in front of me, all because I'm too scared to let them in. I can't let that happen. I need a good friend in my life too much right now. I need one best friend. Someone I can tell everything to. Someone who I can trust. Someone I can be there for and who will be there for me in return. Someone who won't overlook me or forget me. Someone who truly enjoys my company. Someone who considers me their best friend, too.
So, Piece, I'm setting a goal for myself. Screw the unknown. The loss of control can stick it. I hate hiding myself. I'm going to be selfish for a while. I'm going to surround myself with people who care about me. I'm going to build up my self-confidence. And then? Then, I will go out and take on the world. I'll search it up and down until I find someone who makes me feel like I'm amazing. To hell with the people who are bringing me down. They aren't invited for the ride. No need to keep them around anymore. There are enough people to love me here. My phenomenal friends. My kooky family. I'll get through.
It's time to find who I'm looking for, Piece. Do you know who it will be? Do you know when I will find them? Are my searches for this person and you one and the same? Perhaps I'm closer to you than I think, Piece, and I don't mind at all. This puts me one step closer to finding a place in the world.
This puts me one step closer to you.
Then, I got paranoid. Every instance, no matter how small, that could be construed as someone disliking me found a way to get interpreted as such. Now, I start to freak out over not talking to someone for three days. I really flip when I'm ignored for a whole week. If a friend doesn't invite me to dinner or out to a movie, I take it very personally. I have such a low opinion of myself that anything that seems to reinforce this feeling is magnified. And unfortunately, I can't help it. I can't turn it off.
My mind is playing tricks on me. I know my friends like me. Or at least, I think some of them do. Still, I go to such great lengths in an attempt to please. I hate getting on people's nerves. I hate being uninteresting. I hate when I can't entertain. I hate repeating myself. I hate being ignored. I hate being left out. I hate making a scene. I hate arguing over religion and politics when something real is on the line.
I'm trying to reverse the damage. I really am. I don't know if its working though. I can't state my opinion on controversial topics because I can't control people's reactions. I chicken out when I try to tell the guy I like how I feel about him because I can't guarantee he likes me back. I avoid forcing myself into social events I wasn't included in, even if I'm invited later, because I don't want to be a burden. But truthfully, it hurts me more than anything when I discover that I'm an afterthought.
I guess, in some respects, my paranoia is a defense mechanism. I've been hurt before. But everyone has. Evidently, it's just harder for me to let go of all that. Harder for me to move on.
I need to though, Piece. It's imperative that I find a way to beat this. One of these days, someone's going to come along and want to be my friend, and I'm going to miss what's right in front of me, all because I'm too scared to let them in. I can't let that happen. I need a good friend in my life too much right now. I need one best friend. Someone I can tell everything to. Someone who I can trust. Someone I can be there for and who will be there for me in return. Someone who won't overlook me or forget me. Someone who truly enjoys my company. Someone who considers me their best friend, too.
So, Piece, I'm setting a goal for myself. Screw the unknown. The loss of control can stick it. I hate hiding myself. I'm going to be selfish for a while. I'm going to surround myself with people who care about me. I'm going to build up my self-confidence. And then? Then, I will go out and take on the world. I'll search it up and down until I find someone who makes me feel like I'm amazing. To hell with the people who are bringing me down. They aren't invited for the ride. No need to keep them around anymore. There are enough people to love me here. My phenomenal friends. My kooky family. I'll get through.
It's time to find who I'm looking for, Piece. Do you know who it will be? Do you know when I will find them? Are my searches for this person and you one and the same? Perhaps I'm closer to you than I think, Piece, and I don't mind at all. This puts me one step closer to finding a place in the world.
This puts me one step closer to you.
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